The morning after

This morning I woke up with a profound (should I use profound? perhaps strong would be better) sense of emptiness. There was absolutely nothing to look forward to, nothing to get excited about, nothing left to do. I said last night that I'd done my last service to the school, but I only felt it this morning. College Day was the last big event for me. I have nothing left to do but study. All the weeks in front of me now are just filled with days upon days of studying and getting back results that I don't want to get. My History is screwed, I don't know what to expect for Econs, and there's an immense amount of revision to do. On top of this, my mind blackens whenever I consider the fact that every minute that passes brings me closer to NS.

But I want to talk about the emptiness for a while, because it occupied me for some time this morning (how ironic). It gave me the realisation that for a long time, my life has just been a series of events to look forward to. So the minute I have nothing left to do, I'm done for. But this is not how it's meant to be. Where does God come into the picture then? I was wondering, because am I not supposed to find complete and utter satisfaction and joy in Christ? Of course, I think inexpressible joy cannot be found on Earth, because then no one would bother going to Heaven. But if I can feel so empty on a Saturday morning, then it makes me wonder if the focus of my life has been wrong. I don't have to wonder, really. Deep down I know. I've been very preoccupied by just living from day to day, looking forward to one event after another, that I've neglected the things that really matter. And right now, the struggle for me is to find that right balance of living for God in the midst of my daily routine.

Ah well, I don't feel so bad anymore, but I still dread going back to school on Monday morning, and settling back (settling back? or starting?) into revision mode. Well, at least there ARE some bright sparks along the way. Rapture, the band concert (during which Vicks plans to abandon me), Brendon's still-to-come dinner treat, friends. But there, see, what happens when these all pass?

There is a saying: The man who has God and the whole world has no more than the man who has nothing but God.
That gives me tremendous comfort.